Guess who's back in the motherfucking house?

It's M.M., bitches! Can I tell you that Lodi Dodi is one of my top 50 songs? One day I will hang with Snoop. And for all the bitches we might take home, we will wear our brand new doggy underwear, our white socks with our all blue chucks, Johnson’s baby powder and Cool Water cologne. We’ll then dilly dally in an alley and eat cheeseburgers. The End.

Ever Snoop-lovingly yours,
M.M. Misfit

Holy Blueberry Sausage, Batman!

Why is it that the UPS man had to drive right up to my house while I was outside with the dogs for a wee (them, not me)? Because he had to make a delivery to mi casa, right? WRONG! He showed up because he heard there was some crazed jackass outside, hair sticking straight up literally (the beast don't lay down for no man especially after a good sleep with no ponytail holder), looking like a fucked up Violet Beauregard blueberry sausage (wearing a tight blue undershirt and blue leggings-nap gear people, I try not to wear this outfit too often. It attracts flies.). And with no time to even wipe the crust from my eyes, I strutted on over, like the hot blueberry sausage I am, and PROFUSELY apologized for injuring the poor man's eyes. I hope he made it through the rest of his rounds ok. Best part is, I'm sure he's seen much, MUCH worse. At least I hope so...

The misfit is BAAA-AAAAACCCKKKK! And with many mad misadventures to amuse you with.
-M.M.Misfit

For real real, not for fake fake.

Ok, so I lied. Big fat fucking deal. Took the summer off. Did a whole lot of nothing and didn't even touch this blog. Sue me.

I'm thinking that it's time to get it all going again. And with the start of school, I feel like the juices will most DEFINITELY be flowing again. And with that, I offer you this confession. Do with it what you will.

I got a problem. A big problem. I have this really bad habit of swallowing my gum. There I said it. I feel a bit better now. I think I need professional help. I chewed three pieces today. Pretty gross, huh? Things could be worse, right? (Just agree dammit.)

Your favorite goofy gummed-up gal,
M.M. Misfit

You know typing out goofy made me think of something. Any of y'all ever read Highlights Magazine when you were younger? Highlights was my shit. I used to look forward to going to the pediatrician just so I could catch up on the latest Highlights. Shout out to Goofus and Gallant. Goofus had it going on. Gallant was a punk bitch. And I'm out.

And no, I'm not chewing my fourth piece of gum today. Don't look at me like that. I'm NOT.

I'm BAAAAACCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!

SO, I've just finished one of the craziest, most busiest, most wackiest, most randomest months/six or eight weeks I've ever, EVER had in my life. And I'm finally back from a whirlwind trip to London, the icing on the top of the crack cake with smack filling that I ingested recently. And so, I will be back to updating this silly shite in 2 and 2 this week. (a Love Connection reference for all of you who remember the 80's)

In the meantime, keep it cheesy.
M.M. Misfit

P.S. One of my favorite laughs on this trip (and boy were there a lot of laughs), because I am an immature jackass, came from a stop on the Tube. The last station on the Piccadilly train line in England is Cockfosters. And let me tell you that there is nothing more juvenile than sniggering for 20 minutes as you listen to the conductor/computer say "Last stop, Cockfosters." every time the train stops. And if I were easily embarrassed, which I am not, I would have hung my head in shame as I realized that no one else but my husband was laughing with me. But, I really don't give a fuck...so I ended up laughing quite loudly. And my only regret is that I did not have any memory left on my camera to take a picture of the train coming at me with COCKFOSTERS on the banner. Fuck shame...it's overrated.

a funny, funny man

"A new broom might sweep but the old broom knows where the dirt is." -Paul Mooney.

Glitter!

If this shit doesn't make me a misfit, I really don't know what a misfit is. So one of my guilty pleasures is on the telly on this fine Friday evening. And as I'm sitting here watching it, it dawned on me. Every single time this piece of shit movie is on, I watch it. It's not on very often, but it really shouldn't even be allowed to be shown ANYWHERE at ANY TIME.

I know you're dying inside just trying to figure out what this monstrosity is. And if you're not completely stupid, you probably already know that it's Glitter. Yes, Glitter. Starring the multiple Razzie award winning diva, MARIAH (she on fiyah) CAREY CANNON! Or is it Nick Carey? They should just scrap both names and call themselves The Jackasses and be done with it. Screw tradition...two artistes such as themselves should eschew convention. Don't ya think?

So like I was saying, Glitter...I can't help but watch it. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm practically an 80's baby. Born in '78, but I'm 80's all the way baby. 80's music is really where it's at for me. If I had no other album but Off the Wall by MJ, I would be fine for the rest of my life. Well, throw in some Prince, Teena Marie, and some Anita Baker and I'd be good. Maybe you could throw in some Jem and the Holograms, and that would be it. So Glitter just touches something deep within me. I'm actually a pretty big Mariah Carey fan. I've loved her since the first time I heard Love Takes Time in the 7th grade. Right now I only own her #1's album, and I like to pop it in the car and sing along with her stank ass at least once or twice a year. And I've downloaded a few of her most recent songs. Them chickens is ash and I'm lotion...'nuff said.

People say that Glitter sucks balls and they say that Mariah should be set on fire (along with her dogs and 10 year old husband) for even thinking that she could carry an entire movie like she carries a note. But I really think she got a raw deal. I don't think she's a completely horrible actress. I've even heard it said that some people blame the movie's release date for many of the really awful reviews it got. I think it was released around September 11, 2001-a pretty hostile time for any movie to debut, much less some frivolous gobshite starring a high class hoochie wanna be ghetto diva. (Aren't there supposed to be dashes in there somewhere? Whatevs....Y'all know what I'm trying to say.) Who am I really trying to kid? The movie is really all different kinds of monkey shitty, but it's entertaining as all hell. And isn't that all that really should matter?

So what I guess I'm trying to say is give Mariah another chance. Although homegirl is clearly delusional, I don't think she's all that bad an actress. Who the hell else do you know that thinks she can wear mini skirts from Tello's all day and night long at the age of 53? And yes, chick is not nearly as thin as she used to be when she rocked that black catsuit in the Vision of Love video. But you have to have big balls to walk around and really not give a fuck what people think of you when you're dressed like pre-pubescent rainbow sherbet. So she's a bit off her rocker, aren't we all? And she even allowed Eric Benet to be in her major movie debut...that man-whore is probably the reason that the whole things tanked anyway. But we all make mistakes! (I probably shouldn't, but I'll tell you anyway. I've always admired Mariah because she is a fellow Longback. A Longback is someone who has no-ass-atall-itis. Their back just goes on and on...there is no boo-tay to keep their jeans up, etc. Yep, me, Mariah, Yellow Rat...all longbacks. Yellow Rat is another one of my good buddies. Don't even ask why we call her Yellow Rat...yet another misadventure. Did you know there is a store, or was a store, in NYC called Yellow Rat Bastard? It used to have live rats in its window display.)

Go on, give Glitter a chance. It's cheesy as all hell, tired, played out, sappy, and a tad melodramatic...but all my friends say that same shit about me daily and y'all know I'm fucking fabulous. Well, I gots to go. I'm off to go searching for the Glitter soundtrack on Ebay. Maybe someone will give it to me in exchange for my Barbie and the Rockers* cassette tape.


*So you say you don't know who Barbie and the Rockers are. Well, let me tell you. Back in the day (like 1986 or something), there was this little known band called Jem and the Holograms. Them bitches were the SHIT! Google 'em if you want to know what's what. Anyhoo, begged like a mofo for a Jem doll. Like two weeks later, my Ma busts in the house with a present. Open that shit up and what the fuck do I find? A BARBIE and the ROCKERS DOLL! A bobo ass, busted Barbie doll masquerading as JEM! Mattel had the nerve to call themselves making a fake Jem, fooling my poor mother and breaking my little 8 year old heart, all the while lining their thieving pockets with people's hard earned, Jem money. And they even had the nerve to include a cassette of Barbie and the Rockers songs. I tried to like pink haired Barbie...I did. And I tried to sing the songs...but I couldn't. Makes me get a sour taste in my mouth just thinking about it. You know what it's like to have the bobo thing in your group of friends. All of your friends have Punky Brewster sneakers. You got the bobo pastel colored ones from Thom McAn. You know how it is. And if you don't, then eff you, mang. You were the one who made it hard for the rest of us to get by with your I-always-got-the-latest-shit-because my-mom-sells-herself-for-name brand toys-ass.

It's not hard to see why Jem and the Holograms had to break up. They were getting taken for their ideas and music, etc. by Mattel. (Word on the street is that Synergy had to sell her computer parts on the black market to make ends meet. I hear that some of her bits were actually used to invent the first IPod. Steve Jobs is another...well, let me stop. I just KNOW I can't afford another lawsuit from them Apple bitches.) Fuck BARBIE and HER ROCKERS! Karma is a bitch...and her name is BRATZ DOLLS. Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!

I wanna let you know I'm not just for show...

either you let me go...or give me love, love, LOVE!



You may be wondering why in the monkey hell I have a video from School Daze on here. Well, I'll tell you. At least once a week (usually when I need a little enlightenment, entertainment, laughs, or a really passive-aggressive way to irritate Mr. Man), I like to blast this song and sing along and pretend that I'm Jane Toussaint from the movie School Daze (directed by the great Spike Lee). It's a very entertaining movie about the black college experience in America. Watch it...it's on Youtube in about 50 different parts.

Anyhoo, I blast this song and dance around like a damn fool while I try to imitate the faux-Supreme moves that Tisha Campbell and Jasmine Guy (and the other two unknown heifers) are busting. And I can never get it right, except for the arm part at the beginning...I'm really good at that one. But this shit never fails to entertain me. And the song might just get you going too...especially if you imagine my funky ass singing and dancing to it. I just wanted to share this with you, my dear readers. All 3 of you. I know how much you care about the different ways I like to entertain myself. (Have y'all been spreading the word? Yeah, I didn't think so. I'm assuming the orders of Slim Jims I sent to you all haven't arrived. Well, don't look for them now. That'll learn you. I'll just eat all of the Slim Jims myself. They're especially tasty with Dipsy Doodle corn chips.)

Ok, so I haven't blogged in a bit. And honestly, it would have been virtually impossible during the last two weeks. If I wrote a list (and I will soon) of all of the things that have happened to me over the last three weeks you just wouldn't believe me. I KNOW you wouldn't. But this shit right here is called The Misadventures of a Mad Monkey Misfit. And if you don't know, you better AXE somebody. Ughh...I'm so tired. One day recently I even forgot to eat. What kind of fucked up shit is that? Me forgetting to eat is like Pookie (New Jack City reference for those of you who just don't know) not fiending for crack or like Smokey (Friday reference and if you haven't see that movie just take your stank ass right up off of my blog and don't fucking come back) not wanting to smoke that wacky tobaccky all day long. So it's been a rather stressful time folks.

But I promise that I will be getting back to this writing shit ASAP. If for no other reason than me needing to express my feelings and get these misadventures out of my head. The craziness of it all is making me wanna holler!

Peace bitches,
M.M. Misfit

Please excuse the unnecessary cussing. You know the stress and tiredness just bring it out in me. And if you can't understand, then blow it out your fucking ear. (My ma taught me that one...but without the fucking part.)