Glitter!

If this shit doesn't make me a misfit, I really don't know what a misfit is. So one of my guilty pleasures is on the telly on this fine Friday evening. And as I'm sitting here watching it, it dawned on me. Every single time this piece of shit movie is on, I watch it. It's not on very often, but it really shouldn't even be allowed to be shown ANYWHERE at ANY TIME.

I know you're dying inside just trying to figure out what this monstrosity is. And if you're not completely stupid, you probably already know that it's Glitter. Yes, Glitter. Starring the multiple Razzie award winning diva, MARIAH (she on fiyah) CAREY CANNON! Or is it Nick Carey? They should just scrap both names and call themselves The Jackasses and be done with it. Screw tradition...two artistes such as themselves should eschew convention. Don't ya think?

So like I was saying, Glitter...I can't help but watch it. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm practically an 80's baby. Born in '78, but I'm 80's all the way baby. 80's music is really where it's at for me. If I had no other album but Off the Wall by MJ, I would be fine for the rest of my life. Well, throw in some Prince, Teena Marie, and some Anita Baker and I'd be good. Maybe you could throw in some Jem and the Holograms, and that would be it. So Glitter just touches something deep within me. I'm actually a pretty big Mariah Carey fan. I've loved her since the first time I heard Love Takes Time in the 7th grade. Right now I only own her #1's album, and I like to pop it in the car and sing along with her stank ass at least once or twice a year. And I've downloaded a few of her most recent songs. Them chickens is ash and I'm lotion...'nuff said.

People say that Glitter sucks balls and they say that Mariah should be set on fire (along with her dogs and 10 year old husband) for even thinking that she could carry an entire movie like she carries a note. But I really think she got a raw deal. I don't think she's a completely horrible actress. I've even heard it said that some people blame the movie's release date for many of the really awful reviews it got. I think it was released around September 11, 2001-a pretty hostile time for any movie to debut, much less some frivolous gobshite starring a high class hoochie wanna be ghetto diva. (Aren't there supposed to be dashes in there somewhere? Whatevs....Y'all know what I'm trying to say.) Who am I really trying to kid? The movie is really all different kinds of monkey shitty, but it's entertaining as all hell. And isn't that all that really should matter?

So what I guess I'm trying to say is give Mariah another chance. Although homegirl is clearly delusional, I don't think she's all that bad an actress. Who the hell else do you know that thinks she can wear mini skirts from Tello's all day and night long at the age of 53? And yes, chick is not nearly as thin as she used to be when she rocked that black catsuit in the Vision of Love video. But you have to have big balls to walk around and really not give a fuck what people think of you when you're dressed like pre-pubescent rainbow sherbet. So she's a bit off her rocker, aren't we all? And she even allowed Eric Benet to be in her major movie debut...that man-whore is probably the reason that the whole things tanked anyway. But we all make mistakes! (I probably shouldn't, but I'll tell you anyway. I've always admired Mariah because she is a fellow Longback. A Longback is someone who has no-ass-atall-itis. Their back just goes on and on...there is no boo-tay to keep their jeans up, etc. Yep, me, Mariah, Yellow Rat...all longbacks. Yellow Rat is another one of my good buddies. Don't even ask why we call her Yellow Rat...yet another misadventure. Did you know there is a store, or was a store, in NYC called Yellow Rat Bastard? It used to have live rats in its window display.)

Go on, give Glitter a chance. It's cheesy as all hell, tired, played out, sappy, and a tad melodramatic...but all my friends say that same shit about me daily and y'all know I'm fucking fabulous. Well, I gots to go. I'm off to go searching for the Glitter soundtrack on Ebay. Maybe someone will give it to me in exchange for my Barbie and the Rockers* cassette tape.


*So you say you don't know who Barbie and the Rockers are. Well, let me tell you. Back in the day (like 1986 or something), there was this little known band called Jem and the Holograms. Them bitches were the SHIT! Google 'em if you want to know what's what. Anyhoo, begged like a mofo for a Jem doll. Like two weeks later, my Ma busts in the house with a present. Open that shit up and what the fuck do I find? A BARBIE and the ROCKERS DOLL! A bobo ass, busted Barbie doll masquerading as JEM! Mattel had the nerve to call themselves making a fake Jem, fooling my poor mother and breaking my little 8 year old heart, all the while lining their thieving pockets with people's hard earned, Jem money. And they even had the nerve to include a cassette of Barbie and the Rockers songs. I tried to like pink haired Barbie...I did. And I tried to sing the songs...but I couldn't. Makes me get a sour taste in my mouth just thinking about it. You know what it's like to have the bobo thing in your group of friends. All of your friends have Punky Brewster sneakers. You got the bobo pastel colored ones from Thom McAn. You know how it is. And if you don't, then eff you, mang. You were the one who made it hard for the rest of us to get by with your I-always-got-the-latest-shit-because my-mom-sells-herself-for-name brand toys-ass.

It's not hard to see why Jem and the Holograms had to break up. They were getting taken for their ideas and music, etc. by Mattel. (Word on the street is that Synergy had to sell her computer parts on the black market to make ends meet. I hear that some of her bits were actually used to invent the first IPod. Steve Jobs is another...well, let me stop. I just KNOW I can't afford another lawsuit from them Apple bitches.) Fuck BARBIE and HER ROCKERS! Karma is a bitch...and her name is BRATZ DOLLS. Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!