WELCOME to my first post!

If you're reading this I'm assuming that you're interested in me as a monkey misfit or you're drunk. Whatever. I hope you'll enjoy reading this stuff. But I'm already aware that you may not like it. To each his own. But if you're the ones who don't like my special blog, well you can just blow it out your ear. (Ma taught me that one. She's no joke. And she'll come after you if you don't like this blog, so RUN!)

Which misadventure to start with? I had a great one yesterday, but the wound is still fresh. It's not yet far enough away for me to blog about it without getting tired. But you'll hear about it soon enough. To start I think that I will go old-school on you. Give you some of my favorite misadventures a few at a time.

College was probably one of my most definitive life experiences. I literally partook (is that a word) in some of the zaniest shit. And my misadventures just quadrupled, no octdrupled (you know, 8 fold whatever), going from a few incidents a month to multiple incidents each day. But I'm glad to say that I gained much more than an academic education. I was totally schooled on life. And I was tested continuously on how well I knew myself. Of course, I didn't know jackshit about life or myself but I managed to fumble through each day. And I learned many an important lesson.

Here's an example of a lesson I learned at the school of hard knocks, aka college. I learned that if you place a chocolate chip muffin on a park bench or let's say the ground for a second (obviously you have no concept of hygiene or you prefer the kiss it up to God/10 second rule *), and you're in a relatively busy city, your muffin or bagel or crackpipe or whatever, is going to get jacked by either a lone squirrel or a pack of squirrels.

More than likely this squirrel/s won't be carrying a gun or a knife. More than likely they'll be hanging around your general vicinity, chasing one another in the grass, racing up a tree, doing whatever those small evil creatures do while they're waiting to gank your food. AnyHOO, the millisecond that that food touches the ground, one squirrel will run up on you as stealthily as he pleases. And boom, just like that, your food is GONE. And you may look around to see where your stuff went. You were probably busy chatting to a roommate or avoiding the professor whose class you skipped because you felt like jumping double dutch with your dormmates instead of learning about Structures and Systems.

Whatever you were up to, you look around and there that squirrel is. Didn't even have the decency to leave the scene of the crime with the evidence. Just sitting a few feet away gnawing on your muffin and looking dead into your eyes. (Squirrel's thinking -Do it, bitch. Step to me. I'ma fuck you up if you keep staring at me. You don't know me like that. Me and my homies, we handle ours.) As you stare into his rat-ass, beady little eyes you will see that he's doesn't care that he's been caught. Most of the time you could be walking around your city of choice and a city squirrel is just waiting for you to even think about making a move. He and his fellow ratbag brethren will be on you like white on rice. And they will not hesitate to handle their squirrel business.

Here's the moral of the story, the lesson I learned: When in a squirrelly part of town, keep your food in your mouth. If any of it drops on the ground keep your ass moving and kiss that whatever-it-is good-bye. And if you were nasty enough to think about picking it up and eating it off the ground, because you're starving because you blew this month's allowance on shoes or a new piercing or a new tattoo and you are broke as a joke, take a minute and think on this. You are a nasty motherfucker for even thinking about eating that shit and you need to check yourself...such loose morals. Geez. And if you do manage to put the nasty, nasty dirty piece of offensive germ-ridden piece of food in your mouth, you better pray to god that he does not strike you dead with squirrel pox. Not that you don't deserve it, you nasty fuck. the end.

*Not once did I mention that this never really happened to me. BUT I did actually witness this squirrel thievery. Once with a muffin and once with a slice of pizza. I also failed to mention that I TOTALLY would have stopped, kissed my food up to God, and continued walking and cramming my dirty, nasty food into my mouth as quickly as I could. Food is food and when you're hungry YOU'RE HUNGRY! I would have dealt with the squirrel pox later and my belly would have been full.